I violated a trust. I caused someone else pain.
I’m watching the aurora of sensations: guilt, shame, regret; a hot feeling under my skin; short jumpy breaths.
And the desire to shut it down.
Pack it away with the warehouse of violations I’ve committed since I can remember
I still find myself cruising along peacefully in my day and an ancient offense I committed eons ago will crash into my brain like a bird hitting the window with a bloody SPLAT, and I actually whimper out loud and recoil at the intensity of it…from literally 55 years ago…
And now another piece of evidence to load on to the mountain of self-judgements.
If I let it.
Now I see I have a choice to be willing to feel this all the way through.
Breathing into it.
Asking what’s possible when I fully own this human fallibility and ask what is to be learned.
This is what it feels like to fuck up.
And whatever repercussions ripple out from my unskillful behavior, I now choose to layer it with compassion and a soft open heart instead of the hammer of negativity that forges it into a sword that I plunge into my own heart again and again.
So I’m sharing this in hopes that we can all recognize and claim the choice for love as the best medicine for all that hurts, instead of hurting ourselves over and over for something in the past.
It’s now a day later and the waves of shame and regret have subsided.
I offer my mistake to Love, from a clean open heart, no longer shutting down the uncomfortable feelings.
This human life is a crazy game of contrasts.
Seen from the perspective of the game board, things look enormous and urgent — an endless rollercoaster of emotions.
See from a god’s-eye perspective, it’s a beautiful, sublime ephemera, meant to be witnessed, appreciated, and lived 100%.
We have the power to choose which version to bear witness to.