For decades I struggled with deep, unyielding depression — relentlessly cycling thoughts of unworthiness, failure, ugliness, bad mothering…the list could go on for pages and pages.
No words could crack through the calcified beliefs that I was wrong, unlovable, useless.
And I didn’t recognize that words in my head were the suffering.
The habituated spin cycle of the same few depressing thoughts had become hardwired in the brain and embodied as a constellation of posture, gesture, and expression that was so entrenched, it was unconscious.
It was finally one question in coach training that gave me the key to unlocking the prison: Are you willing to take responsibility for your state.
Good news and bad.
Yes I’m willing.
Taking responsibility is hard work.
Pulling all the evidence and reasons why back to my own thoughts basically sucks.
Believing my thoughts was what creating my suffering, but thoughts alone didn’t have enough power to lift me through the gravitational pull of long-standing habits.
It took intentional shifts in breath, posture, and attention to begin the opening to Presence.
Feeling feet reconnecting to Earth; heart breathing to expanded spaciousness, inner body rising up to feel light.
The body aligned as an antenna to spacious Awareness then shifts attention to a broader lens.
The aperture expands and allows more Light in, softening the hard lines and structures of the depression array.
And in quiet moments of gratitude and devotion I could feel the space of freedom and agency.
And then habit of depression pulls back, wanting it’s familiar suffering; claiming thoughts of unworthiness and failure are true…see? Here’s all the evidence.
Moving attention to breath, feet on Earth, the living day all around.
Not resisting or arguing.
And to all those in the same struggle, I offer this breath, this offering of Presence.
May all beings come Home to their True Nature.